Things are getting tense, so I know it's coming...

Okay, unlike most cats I absolutely HATE this time of year. Maybe it's because I am much more intelligent than your average cat. I do not need to chase ribbon. I do not smack Christmas ornaments around. I do nothing with a Christmas tree other than sit under it waiting for it all to be over.
It's not because I am anti-Christmas, rather because I hate how crazy Humans get because of it.
Example:

H2 'What do you want for Christmas?'
H1 'Stop bugging me."
H2 'I need to know soon.'
H1 'I need to think about it. Every time you ask, just makes me want to think longer.'
H2 'When will you tell me?'
H1 'When I tell you.'

Do you have ANY idea what it's like to listen to that nonsense? I mean, Hello? If Human One does not tell Human Two soon, then he has no right to complain about what he ends up with. This is not rocket science.

Of course then there was the year when Human One started saying what he wanted months ahead of time. One day he said what he wanted. The next day he left out a magazine advertisement of what he wanted (with a picture, I should add). On the third day he left out a list of where the item was available to purchase.
Christmas comes, and...you guessed it...it wasn't under the tree. Here was that conversation:

H1 'Where's the castle?'
H2 'I got you the circus thing instead.'
H1 'We don't have a circus, we have a Christmas village. A Christmas village needs a castle.'
H2 'The village could have a circus.'
H1 'The village wanted a castle, not a circus. I asked for a castle, I left notes, I provided pricing, where it could be purchased, I did all the work for you, and I get a circus?'
H2 'You sound unhappy.'
H1 'DUH! You bug me every year for what I want, and finally I let you know way early, and then don't get it.'

H2 'FINE, FINE!' And Human Two picks up the circus, and with a flourish exits the living room and runs down the hall to his office very much like I would assume Scarlett O'Hara would exit a room if she was furious at Rhett Butler.

Several minutes later Human Two appears and states 'I ordered the damn castle, it should be here in a few days. I will return the circus!'

Hmm, Human's are funny creatures.

Birds, and Seals, and Bellboys, OH MY!

So, Human One, which is actually my favorite Human (although if you tell Human Two that he gets very upset, heh heh..Human Two is the good cop, Human one is the bad cop...you figure it out) buys a new "sound machine" that apparently helps Humans sleep, although I have found that if you sit on one of their faces at 5:00AM it negates that effect.

I do not know why Human One needed a new sound machine, as the old one was perfectly fine, but I find Humans spend money when they do not have to and have stopped trying to understand it. Apparently they wanted one with the sound of the ocean, but no birds. I found the sound of screeching seagulls comforting as I slept, but apparently my vote was not counted).

Anyway, the new sound machine comes and without reading directions (of course my Humans are male, as female Humans read directions) it is set up. So it's time to go to bed and it's turned on.
This is their conversation, verbatim:

H1 "Oh that's nice, really sounds like the ocean."
H2 "Hmm."
H1, some minutes later "Was that a bird? I swear I heard a single bird."
H2 "Didn't hear it."

Time passes

H2 "That's a f-ing seal, they have damn seals on this thing!"
H1 'I didn't hear a seal."
H2 "It was an f-ing seal, I heard it."

Time passes

H1 "Damn it...a foghorn? A flipping foghorn? Who can sleep though a damn foghorn?"
H2 "and seals!!!"
H1 " What the hell was that? A bell?? A ships bell??? This is ridiculous!"
H2 "birds and seals and bells, oh my."
H1 "NOT funny. This damn thing is going back...no way can I sleep through seals, bells, foghorns. I just want the ocean!"

Next morning

H1 'Did you turn it off last night? it's not on."
H2 'Yup, there was a flock of gulls screaming."
H1 'You mean the one gull?"
H2 'No, a whole flock, I can't believe it didn't wake you up."
H1 'A whole flock?"
H2 'A whole screaming flock!"

Needless to say, it was sent back, and another purchased that just has ocean sounds on the ocean channel.
Humans...go figure!

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

So, it begins. I've been living with my Humans for 5 years. I've watched them through their trials and tribulations, and frankly have decided all humans are just crazy. Wacko, every fricking one of you.

But...that's okay, as you have me to sort things out.

First of all, I feel the need to explain why I will capitalize the word Humans. Don’t be fooled, or get your panties in a knot, it's not out of love or respect. Any idiot can feed me, change my litter, etc.

It's more that they feel they are "the top dog" so to speak on the evolutionary chain, so just in case one day they learn to read and speak "cat" they'll imagine I was extending some sort of respect.

These are not my first Humans. My original Human had the audacity to die. At the time my name was Tiger (a horrid name) and was owned by a very old former schoolteacher named Hilda. They say I was about a year old when Hilda died. I hadn't really gotten to know her, so her death didn't affect me other than I was ripped out of my comfortable mobile home, and away from her insipid grandchildren who had no idea that they were there to please ME.

Fast forward to December 2006 where I was sitting in a cage at PetSmart. Now, I am not a small feline, well...I'm big-boned, and let's just leave it at that. Although Human One continues to remind me that I have a, um...how does he say it, oh yes, a "fat ass." Now tell me, is this a fat ass?

So I am in this cage, and since I can read minds, I am getting all these thoughts rushing in. I do not know if other cats can read minds, but I can. Frankly cats don't talk to each other or understand each other. I mean, not like cats and Humans do. I understand everything my Humans say. But if a cat makes a noise at me, it just sounds like those cat noises that Humans hear.

So, in this one mind I am hearing that this Human is coming to look at (again) and take this wimpy little tuxedo cat in the cage next to me. I find it ridiculous that Humans see these black and white cats as looking like they are wearing a tuxedo, but since they usually cannot see the proverbial nose in front of their face, I suppose this should not surprise me.

What I get from this Human mind is good job, a bit of money, recovering from a loss of a cat six months ago, and well...it sounded comfortable.

So as the Human walked by, I stuck out my paw and touched his arm, and showed my cutest face I could muster. (When I want to I can look quite cute and needy).

I had him at Meow. I could tell, as all thoughts of the black and white cookie next door faded. He was mine!

More later, I just found a bug.