I'm BAAAAAACCCCCKKKKK!

So, ok, yes it's been over a year since my last blog entry. Deal with it. I'm a cat, I do things when I want, and I took time off to discover the meaning of life.

All I discovered is that Humans are just plain nuts. In the last 16 months a Pope "resigned" because God told him to, more children were killed in schools (make sure to remember that guns don't kill people, or so you Humans are constantly told by crackpot conservatives), Russia has decided that holding hands or wearing a rainbow flag can get you sent to jail, and Politicians are texting pictures of their ding-dongs to constituents.

Y'all are cray-cray, as todays' youth says.

Not that I don't have my crazy moments, but I don't hurt anyone, or put anyone down (well, not including religious nuts and Republicans, but they make it SO easy to do so).

So, I took some time off to see who I am, what I believe, and what I hope to get out of writing this blog. (plus Human One took away my internet privileges for a very long time).

Then it hits me. I am a cat, correction, a CAT!
I was worshipped in Ancient Egypt, and frankly still should be now. I purr, and make you feel good. I am, perhaps, the worlds salvation! So my words of wisdom shall continue.

Like me, or hate me, I am back. Every now and then I may get political, and if you don't like that, I can give you something from my litter box to chew on.

I AM CAT, HEAR ME ROAR!

What is wrong with you people????

OK, I've about had it! I thought my last post would stop the nonsense of dressing up cats in silly human clothing.
But NO....it's worse. I found this online today.

Do any of you REALLY think this is cute? All it needs is a covered wagon and she's Pioneer Woman, Defender of the Homestead...RIDICULOUS!

It makes me want to scream and claw something. And you can bet it will not be something of mine!

Then I came across this gem.

Let me ask you...does he look happy? Do you see any joy on that face. Uh, NO! Frankly he looks like he might silt your throat in your sleep. C'mon, Humans, this is ridiculous.

I've saved the best for last.

Bread? Bread as an acceptable item of clothing. Where do you shop, Walmart in Alabama? Again, Ridiculous.

We are cats, we are not babies, or dogs, which apparently like being dressed-up. 

So I say do not be surprised if one day WE stick a collar around your neck and stuff you in a litter box and see how YOU like it!

One last thing. Here's a product I found online today.

The description says,. and I quote "Your pet is a former predator. That means that his or her natural way of eating involves hunting and foraging. Pet accessory company Aikiou (pronounced IQ) understands this and has designed brilliant feeders that make Fluffy and Fido slow down and use their brains and paws to eat. Here’s to healthy, happy pets!"

Fluffy and Fido??? Hello, let's get on board with 21st Century pet names, please!

I am NOT a former predator. That case was dismissed! And, I can tell you that the two poodles, and that yappy Chihuahua down the street are not predators. 

What MORON created the above???

I'll make you a deal. I will start "foraging" when you Humans go back to hunting and gathering...you were much more manageable back then!!!

I can be silent no longer.

Sadly I am forced to comment on a growing trend that I find horrific and cruel. It is so terrible, that it is rarely talked about, but alas, I must speak of it, and that is the cruel and inhumane practice of dressing up cats in Human clothes and situations.

First I must say that to do this to dogs is okay and perfectly natural, as they are stupid creatures who know no better, and in most cases actually look better in such situations.

But cats, c'mon. It IS cruel and unusual punishment.

No decent cat is going to lie on a chaise lounge in that position. On the floor, sure...but on a frisking chaise lounge? The look of embarrassment on the faces of those poor creatures make me want to bite someone. And frankly, we don't have the same code of modesty that you Humans do...we're perfectly happy naked. And worst of all...that string on the bottom piece, that goes between our legs, chafes! PLEASE stop this nonsense.

Really? REALLY? Do you really think any cat will stand for this nonsense? They must have drugged the poor creature to get him in this ridiculous outfit.

The look on this poor ones face is not a happy look. It is a "I am going to bite your private parts when you are sleeping" look. Why would any Human do this to a poor defenseless creature? I suspect this cat is owned by a Texas Longhorn fan, ridiculous!

Most of you can't even dress yourselves, but that is another blog post all on its own. Please stop this ridiculous practice. It insults the cat, AND the Human.

Do you ever see us putting YOU in a litter box, or getting on all fours to lap up some milk to take pictures? NO. We have class. We would not embarrass you in that way (frankly you Humans do that well enough all on your own, so you don't need our help).

So, please, PLEASE stop this ridiculous practice. If you do not, this could happen.

I don't think any of us want that, because it would NOT be girl scout cookies we are selling!

Robust is a word to describe coffee, NOT a cat!!!

Ok, I am pissed off! I have been for two days, since my recent trip to the Vet.

First of all when I normally go to the Vet, I go for a holiday, i.e. the Humans are traveling somewhere and  because I apparently am not to be trusted alone, I go to what they call the Kitty Spa. I mean how much would it have cost to take me along to Lisbon...lots of fish there! I would have fit in the fricking suitcase!

Anyway, they love me at the Vet...they fawn over me, they board few cats there, so I have my run of the cat area, they play with me, etc. I am treated like Hollywood royalty. I know how to get what I want, heh heh.

This time though was different. I actually was going to see a doctor. We wait in the waiting area, I in my cage, but Human 1 will open the door so I can poke my head out, which was almost bitten off by a horrid, oversized French Poodle (probably the most ridiculous looking animal ever!). There are way too many dogs there.

So we wait 10-15 minutes when we are ushered into one of the rooms, where I am promptly yanked out of my cage, weighed,  and felt up (and not in a good way, mind you) and then they stick a thermometer up my ass!
OK, they have those new fancy kind for humans, you know, where they rub it on their foreheads and voila their temperature is taken. Can we please create one for cats??? There is nothing gracious about having a long piece of glass stuck up your ass!

Then more waiting, and finally...FINALLY in walks the Vet. Well, I assume she walks in. I see a door open and shut and a voice says, and I quote verbatim, "My, Fenwyck is certainly a robust cat."

ROBUST??? Give me a break. That ranks right up there with calling a model "plus-sized" or calling a baby "pudgy."

For the record, I am BIG-BONED, not robust. And through all this I still hear a voice and see no one, so I peer over the cold metal table and I swear there is a tiny woman in a white lab coat. And all I think is, a munchkin called me robust???

I wanted to yell 'Listen Shorty, you're one to talk!" But being infused with grace and kindness, instead, I whack at her with my paw and try to bite her.

I know I am big, CRAP, I know I am fat. I don't even mind being called fat...but ROBUST? That's just plain insulting!!! I come from a long line of big cats. It's in my genes. I am not sedentary. I run, play,
I f-ing exercise!!! So for this elf to come in and call me robust just about made me want to scream!

So, the lesson here is cats have feelings, too! Would you ever look at a Human and say 'Hey, you're looking quite robust today? I DON'T THINK SO!!!

Next time, be kind...words have a power all their own. Next time, I will cut her!

(I feel I need to add a line that all the Vets at where I go are wonderful, and treat me well, and I am simply  taking artistic license in my description of the diminutive Vet...she is a great Vet)

Things are getting tense, so I know it's coming...

Okay, unlike most cats I absolutely HATE this time of year. Maybe it's because I am much more intelligent than your average cat. I do not need to chase ribbon. I do not smack Christmas ornaments around. I do nothing with a Christmas tree other than sit under it waiting for it all to be over.
It's not because I am anti-Christmas, rather because I hate how crazy Humans get because of it.
Example:

H2 'What do you want for Christmas?'
H1 'Stop bugging me."
H2 'I need to know soon.'
H1 'I need to think about it. Every time you ask, just makes me want to think longer.'
H2 'When will you tell me?'
H1 'When I tell you.'

Do you have ANY idea what it's like to listen to that nonsense? I mean, Hello? If Human One does not tell Human Two soon, then he has no right to complain about what he ends up with. This is not rocket science.

Of course then there was the year when Human One started saying what he wanted months ahead of time. One day he said what he wanted. The next day he left out a magazine advertisement of what he wanted (with a picture, I should add). On the third day he left out a list of where the item was available to purchase.
Christmas comes, and...you guessed it...it wasn't under the tree. Here was that conversation:

H1 'Where's the castle?'
H2 'I got you the circus thing instead.'
H1 'We don't have a circus, we have a Christmas village. A Christmas village needs a castle.'
H2 'The village could have a circus.'
H1 'The village wanted a castle, not a circus. I asked for a castle, I left notes, I provided pricing, where it could be purchased, I did all the work for you, and I get a circus?'
H2 'You sound unhappy.'
H1 'DUH! You bug me every year for what I want, and finally I let you know way early, and then don't get it.'

H2 'FINE, FINE!' And Human Two picks up the circus, and with a flourish exits the living room and runs down the hall to his office very much like I would assume Scarlett O'Hara would exit a room if she was furious at Rhett Butler.

Several minutes later Human Two appears and states 'I ordered the damn castle, it should be here in a few days. I will return the circus!'

Hmm, Human's are funny creatures.

Birds, and Seals, and Bellboys, OH MY!

So, Human One, which is actually my favorite Human (although if you tell Human Two that he gets very upset, heh heh..Human Two is the good cop, Human one is the bad cop...you figure it out) buys a new "sound machine" that apparently helps Humans sleep, although I have found that if you sit on one of their faces at 5:00AM it negates that effect.

I do not know why Human One needed a new sound machine, as the old one was perfectly fine, but I find Humans spend money when they do not have to and have stopped trying to understand it. Apparently they wanted one with the sound of the ocean, but no birds. I found the sound of screeching seagulls comforting as I slept, but apparently my vote was not counted).

Anyway, the new sound machine comes and without reading directions (of course my Humans are male, as female Humans read directions) it is set up. So it's time to go to bed and it's turned on.
This is their conversation, verbatim:

H1 "Oh that's nice, really sounds like the ocean."
H2 "Hmm."
H1, some minutes later "Was that a bird? I swear I heard a single bird."
H2 "Didn't hear it."

Time passes

H2 "That's a f-ing seal, they have damn seals on this thing!"
H1 'I didn't hear a seal."
H2 "It was an f-ing seal, I heard it."

Time passes

H1 "Damn it...a foghorn? A flipping foghorn? Who can sleep though a damn foghorn?"
H2 "and seals!!!"
H1 " What the hell was that? A bell?? A ships bell??? This is ridiculous!"
H2 "birds and seals and bells, oh my."
H1 "NOT funny. This damn thing is going back...no way can I sleep through seals, bells, foghorns. I just want the ocean!"

Next morning

H1 'Did you turn it off last night? it's not on."
H2 'Yup, there was a flock of gulls screaming."
H1 'You mean the one gull?"
H2 'No, a whole flock, I can't believe it didn't wake you up."
H1 'A whole flock?"
H2 'A whole screaming flock!"

Needless to say, it was sent back, and another purchased that just has ocean sounds on the ocean channel.
Humans...go figure!

The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face

So, it begins. I've been living with my Humans for 5 years. I've watched them through their trials and tribulations, and frankly have decided all humans are just crazy. Wacko, every fricking one of you.

But...that's okay, as you have me to sort things out.

First of all, I feel the need to explain why I will capitalize the word Humans. Don’t be fooled, or get your panties in a knot, it's not out of love or respect. Any idiot can feed me, change my litter, etc.

It's more that they feel they are "the top dog" so to speak on the evolutionary chain, so just in case one day they learn to read and speak "cat" they'll imagine I was extending some sort of respect.

These are not my first Humans. My original Human had the audacity to die. At the time my name was Tiger (a horrid name) and was owned by a very old former schoolteacher named Hilda. They say I was about a year old when Hilda died. I hadn't really gotten to know her, so her death didn't affect me other than I was ripped out of my comfortable mobile home, and away from her insipid grandchildren who had no idea that they were there to please ME.

Fast forward to December 2006 where I was sitting in a cage at PetSmart. Now, I am not a small feline, well...I'm big-boned, and let's just leave it at that. Although Human One continues to remind me that I have a, um...how does he say it, oh yes, a "fat ass." Now tell me, is this a fat ass?

So I am in this cage, and since I can read minds, I am getting all these thoughts rushing in. I do not know if other cats can read minds, but I can. Frankly cats don't talk to each other or understand each other. I mean, not like cats and Humans do. I understand everything my Humans say. But if a cat makes a noise at me, it just sounds like those cat noises that Humans hear.

So, in this one mind I am hearing that this Human is coming to look at (again) and take this wimpy little tuxedo cat in the cage next to me. I find it ridiculous that Humans see these black and white cats as looking like they are wearing a tuxedo, but since they usually cannot see the proverbial nose in front of their face, I suppose this should not surprise me.

What I get from this Human mind is good job, a bit of money, recovering from a loss of a cat six months ago, and well...it sounded comfortable.

So as the Human walked by, I stuck out my paw and touched his arm, and showed my cutest face I could muster. (When I want to I can look quite cute and needy).

I had him at Meow. I could tell, as all thoughts of the black and white cookie next door faded. He was mine!

More later, I just found a bug.